I've been MIA for quite some time now. I've been struggling.
Struggling with weight.
Struggling with motivation.
Struggling with anger.
And through my struggles, I've realized that I strive for an unrealistic perfection in everything. I have somehow lost my authenticity. I found myself becoming mean.
Let me tell you about being mean. I was a bully when I was in grade school. Yes, a bully. I was abusive and called people names that to this day I absolutely regret. I was trying to hide my insecurities and the things I did made those 'important' to me laugh. Then, something happened. Before we ended 6th grade, a girl (who I totally envied and was jealous of!) told me I was a bully and that I was mean. MEAN!
When I found myself in Junior High, I backed down, I hid inside myself and quite honestly, I did not like junior high one bit. But I made some life long friends there because I wasn't mean. I wasn't a shining star and I was incredibly awkward. I wore a vest and mock turtle necks almost every day for Pete's sake!. Good times!
Anyway, high school came and I started to find myself. I wasn't mean, I wasn't a bully, and I wasn't afraid of my own shadow. I made amazing friends and went through more growing pains that make up who I am today.
And so, thank you Kelly Kormeier for telling me the truth! I was mean. I still am sometimes. But even more so, I learned to step into other people's shoes. Think about how what I say and do may affect them. Which leads me to my next 'struggle'.
Mommyhood.
I want to be the perfect Mom. I don't want to be mean to my kid because being mean has negative connotations and a whole history of childhood baggage. But yet, I need to walk away from my child at times. I need to say no. It's just such a fine line and the guilt can be overwhelming.
And somehow through all those thoughts, I've decided to take a different route with this blog.
It will be dedicated to letters. Letters to my child. To myself. To my family. To strangers. To whomever I want it to be! So here's my first letter.
Dear Sarah,
Don't be mean. Don't fall into that trap that so many people fall into and constantly criticize other and compare yourself to others. It's stupid and will only make you be in a bad mood.
Be patient, be kind, and know that Drake loves you and he knows you love him. He smiles any time he sees you and making him soothe himself to sleep is not the worst thing in the world. Telling him no to playing with your cell phone is not a bad thing. Setting boundaries is a good thing! And stop being so hard on yourself and when you feel doubt, watch this video:
What Kids Think of Mom
Your Pal,
Me!
